I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have feelings that need drinking.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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