So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
