she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
