y did u give ur computer a hand job?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my being single is dangerous.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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