3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
