I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
