sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
