wakey wakey hands off snakey
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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