Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
