My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
