Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
