i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
