At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
