Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
