There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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