Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
