The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize