Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
All the doctor said was why
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
