You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
