Plan B is the new Plan A
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
