last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
