you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
