I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
