I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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