Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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