no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
