I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
