She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize