Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
