So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
