these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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