Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
