YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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