I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
