i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
