im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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