I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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