May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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