saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
