I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
