Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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