i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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