Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
