Apparently you make a good broom.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
