Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
