Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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