Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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