I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
