remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
