Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Randomize
