I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize