I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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