Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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