I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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