proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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