happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
