oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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