I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dick very happy bro
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
