I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
