in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
