I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
FUCK WHALES
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
