Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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