Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
