Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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