i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
